A Heart That Forgives

Human interaction is an unavoidable consequence of life on earth. And with interaction comes disappointment, offense, hurt, and betrayal. As long as we live on earth, we cannot avoid these. It is in the nature of man to hurt and to be hurt. This is why forgiveness is an essential quality for any human and more so, for believers. 

A heart that forgives is a heart that is predisposed to forgiving. People with this kind of heart know that “offenses will arise,” and although they do not live their lives expecting to be hurt, they have prepared their hearts to forgive offenses even before they occur.  It’s called Advance Forgiveness. 

Advance Forgiveness

Then Peter came to Him and said, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven. -Matthew 18:21-22

It is easy to understand Peter’s question because humans will test you. They will test your patience, faith, and everything testable. Your sister will pick the day you have an important job interview to wear your only formal shoes and leave the house even before you wake up. Mother dearest will ask you to loan her part of the money you saved for your rent on the promise that you will get it before you need to pay in three weeks and guess what? She will not pay it back even after a year. Or your pastor might decide that his duties as clergy should include extortion. That wonderful boss might conclude that abuse is now part of his job description. What about your husband that seems to desire the neighbor more than you? And your child might decide that your house is theirs to trash with their friends.

What do you do in a world where everyone seems sent to hurt or take advantage of you? How do you handle having to go from one unpleasant issue to another? By forgiving in advance.

Decide before the offense that you will forgive. Purpose in your heart that you won’t hold all that anger and grudge within. Prepare your heart to get over whatever comes your way. You can do all this with the help of God.

Seventy times Seven

Peter probably had it with his brothers (brother there does not only imply biological relatives; it also means those you consider your kin. They could be friends or brothers of faith.) They had tested him enough. He sounded like he needed permission to retaliate. He sounded like me when I was just about ready to drop my bible and show a sister in the parking lot that I have some crazy in me too. 

And we know Peter could show a brother. He cut off the ear of one of the pitchfork folks who came for Jesus at Gethsemane (John 18:10-11). He wasn’t ready for 70 times 7 that night! But Jesus doesn’t want a cutting ear church, he wants a forgiving one.

You see, to forgive is to give up my right to hurt you, for hurting me. to grant my offender pardon. to cease to feel resentment against my offender. But the most interesting definition for me is to wipe the slate clean. 

Disciple Peter must have wondered what I wondered when I read that I had to forgive someone 490 times -how is that possible? 

Let’s just say for a moment that Jesus meant that statement literally and we actually have to forgive each person 490 times, this would mean that every person in my life has 490 chances and clean slates. So if I have 3 friends, 4 siblings, 2 parents, 3 kids, and one husband, I would have to forgive 6,370 offenses and offer the same amount of clean slates. And you and I know that one person has more than 13 people in or around their life.

If this is the case, does this then mean that I have to give an abuser a clean slate 490 times?!

Well, YES! And NO! And I’ll tell you why.

We Forgive Because We are Forgiven

Without going into theology, what Jesus meant was we should always forgive. Forgiveness is a quality of Abba. It is expected of us to forgive because we have received forgiveness. What we owe God is way more than what we can ever be owed. How we offend God is way more than how we can ever be offended. 

So yes we should always forgive.

A forgiving heart is aware of two things 

1. That all men are imperfect and prone to hurt others. Forgiveness should only be withheld by a perfect and infallible individual. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
2. That we have been forgiven much by an infallible creator. A forgiving heart is constantly aware that God has forgiven much already. And, if God were to judge them for their wrongs, they wouldn’t stand a chance.

We should forgive abusers, misusers, manipulators, liars, cheats, thieves, insensitive people, and plain old annoying people. It takes a heart that is predisposed to forgive to pray for an enemy and an abuser. But that is where interactions should end if the offender is an abuser. 

So no, we shouldn’t let ourselves back into an abusive relationship just because we let go of the hurt and pain from the abuse. We can pray for them and stay away from them.

How To Forgive

1. Acknowledge that you have been wronged and you are hurt. For you to be willing to forgive, you must first acknowledge that you have been hurt. This is no time to act like what hurt you was not a big deal because you are hoping it goes away. Or you do not want to appear weak or petty. Chances are you are hurt more than you know and you have to come to God with that feeling so he can heal you.
2. Recognize that the only option is to forgive. The only way to handle hurts and offenses is to let them go. This is not only the healthy way but the God way. This is where advanced forgiveness comes into play. 
   1. Unforgiveness affects our ability to pray. Jesus said in Mark 11:25, “when you stand praying, forgive.” We cannot maintain a relationship with God if we do not pray and we cannot pray if we do not forgive.
   2. Unforgiveness leads to health complications like high blood pressure, gas, heartburn, insomnia, headaches, indigestion and even heart attack and cancer can have its roots in unforgiveness.
3. Ask God for help. There is a reason why forgiveness is considered divine. It will require divine help to forgive. Let no man think that he can forgive of his own will and strength alone. So pray about it. Ask God to help you let go of the hurt and pain and he will.
4. Forgive by faith. Everything a believer does should be from a place of faith. You may not feel like you have forgiven them because the pain and desire to hurt them are still in your heart. But because you are a believer, you will call the “things that be not as though they are.” You will rebuke the devil and confess the word and pray for your offender and yourself every time these thoughts and feelings come up. You will not stop until you have victory.

Forgiveness Facts

1. Forgiveness is a process. And every process needs time. Some processes need more time than others. It will be easier to forgive the waiter that mixed up your order than to forgive the man who abused you. You will know that you are making progress by the way you feel when you talk about the offense or when you see the offender.
2. You may not forget. Beloved, you are a human. and if your brain is healthy, experiences will not just automatically get erased. But this doesn’t mean you haven’t forgiven. it does mean that the stories are told only when absolutely necessary and without resentment.
3. The offender may never change. Your offender or abuser may never repent and they may never admit their wrong or even be punished by law but you must not let that hinder your freedom from the pain. Forgive anyway!
4. It is for your own good. You are not forgiving because you want to be the bigger person, or because you want to prove a point. No, you forgive because you need to heal. Shift your focus from the other party and put it on God. You forgive because God said so and you want to obey him. But also because it is good for you.

A Short Prayer

If you are hurting right now and forgiveness seems impossible, don’t lose heart, you are not alone. However, there is grace at the throne of God to help you through this (whatever “this” may be). So I pray that the comforter will comfort your heart as you navigate this season. I pray that you will receive the courage to forgive today. In Jesus’ name.